Chapter 6 Alternative

" Isabel, could you —?" Jaxon's voice floats down the hall from the kitchen, laced with a vulnerability I am not used to hearing from him. It used to be the other way around, where I would stay on his every word, his every command. Now, however? I am not sure what this version of him means. I can feel it in my chest, this heavy, scrupling kind of ache that refuses to dissipate, no matter how numerous times my brain reminds me that I really ought to be over this by now. I take a deep breath, push open the door to the living room, and make my way toward him. The soft snoring of Hazel in the coming room is the only sound that fills the silence. She's eventually asleep, one of those rare peaceful moments when she is not fighting the pain. " Yeah?" I say without meeting his eyes, leaning against the doorway. Jaxon's eyes loiter on me a moment, his lips parted as if importing what to say." Can you. help with the medicine? I can not flash back how important to give her. His voice is conservative, too conservative it's as if he's walking on thin ice. And perhaps he is. Each time we defy each other, it seems like I could crack under the weight of everything unsaid between us. I nod stiffly and head toward the kitchen counter, not meeting his gaze. I just do not want to look at him right now, not when everything inside still feels raw. I get the drug, my hands automaton- suchlike. The silence between us tenses, something palpable that makes it delicate for me to breathe. His presence, formerly so comforting, is now like a weight. " I did not mean for this to be, Isabel." His voice cuts into the silence, taking me by surprise. I indurate, nearly letting the bottle of drug slip from my hand. I look at him also, eventually meeting his eyes. There is an honesty in them, a vulnerability I have not seen from him in years." You did not mean for what to be? " To hurt you," he says vocally." To ruin everything. I know I squinched up. I should have noway let things get so far.I did not see how important everything was until it was too late. And now I am trying. trying to make things right." I feel the ache in my chest consolidate. His words are not enough. They noway will be. It was his actions, not just his words, that hurt me. But still, I'm unfit to turn down from the sincerity in his eyes. You can not just apologize and anticipate everything to be okay, Jaxon," I say, my voice shaking further than I want it to." You can not just undo the last two years. It's not that simple. " I know," he mutters, running a hand through his hair, the familiar motion ever adding to the pressure in the room." But I am then now. I want to be then — for you, for Hazel. I want to fix this. I just need a chance to show you." I do not know how to answer that. It's just all so important. I do not know if I can forgive him. I do not know if I am ready for him to step back into our lives like nothing ever happed. But there is something inside me that pangs for him. Something that longs to believe in the possibility of rebuilding what we lost. " I do not know if I can, Jaxon," I bruit ." I do not know if I can go back to that." He takes another step closer, his voice slightly louder than a whisper." I am not asking you to. I am just asking for a chance to prove it. I will do whatever it takes." I glance down at the bottle in my hands, and for a moment, it feels weighted, as if it's the only thing holding me down. My breath catches in my throat, and I struggle to push the feelings back, but it's hard. It's too hard. I do not speak. Not yet. Not until I figure out if I am ready to risk it all again. The silence between us grows thicker, and for a moment, I question if we will ever find our way back to each other. The Next Day The morning is quiet, but the weight of his apology still hangs in the air for me. I keep my distance, but every time my gaze drifts to Jaxon, I am hit with a surge of confusion. We have settled into an implied armistice for Hazel's sake, but that does not mean I have forgiven him. I watch him from the kitchen as he sits with Hazel, reading her favorite storybook in that soothing voice of his. It's strange, seeing him like this, minding, present- something I noway allowed I'd see again. He catches my gaze for a alternate, and I snappily look down, fastening on the breakfast I am scrabbling together. But the image of him with Hazel- so gentle, so loving lingers in my mind. A knock on the door pulls me out of my reverie. My heart does a skip in my chest. Visitors? At this hour? I open the door, and standing in the doorway is Olivia, one of my old friends from back home. " Olivia?" I blink, taken a bit by surprise. She steps outside; the customary brightness of her smile lessens kindly at the frown that wrinkles the tension in the room. " Isabel. I heard about Hazel. How's she doing? " Better," I lie, managing a smile." It's been tough, but we are managing." Olivia looks over at Jaxon, who is standing now, watching us with conservative eyes. He does not say anything, just looks at her for a moment, his expression undecipherable. " Is this.?" Olivia hesitates, her eyes shifting between us, before her gaze lands back on me." Are you two —?" I cut her off, my throat tight." No. We are not. Not yet. She does not press further, but I can feel the weight of her unsolicited questions. The ones she knows not to state, but still, they hang in the air like an unsaid truth. " I will just. make some coffee," I murmur, turning to the kitchen in an attempt to get down from the pressure. I turn down, but not before my eyes catch with Jaxon's formerly more. He is regarding me hardly, and I wonder — does he see the indecision in me? Or does he really suppose that I am going to forgive him? But forgiveness is not something you just hand out, is it? latterly that evening I'm so exhausted by the end of the day, physically and emotionally. Hazel eventually falls asleep in the room coming door, and the house feels eerily quiet, like something big is about to be but I do not know what. I sit in the living room, gaping out the window, when Jaxon steps into the room. This time, he does not say anything. He just stands, his presence filling the space between us. Isabel, he breaks the silence, I do not want to keep pushing you. But I just can not sit then, staying for you to forgive me. I know it's going to take time, but. then I am, and I am not going anywhere. I turn to him, my heart racing inside my chest. You suppose I am just going to forget everything, Jaxon? Just like that? He shakes his head, stepping near." I do not anticipate you to forget. I just want you to know that I am then for you for both of you." I meet his gaze, the raw sincerity in his eyes making my chest strain. But still, I just ca n't. I just can not vault back into his arms. Not yet. " So what do we do now?" I ask, my voice slightly above a whisper. Jaxon takes another step closer, and I swear, for a alternate, it feels like we are going to go backward in time back to that moment right before everything collapsed between us. Before the lies, before the treason. But it's just not that simple now. " I do not know," he says in a hushed tone." But I will do whatever it takes to figure it out.". And there, in that alternate, I feel the weight of all we've both lost and what we might still get a alternate chance to rebuild. Just as I open my mouth to say something, there comes the sound of the phone ringing- through a silence nearly as thick as a cutter. I glance down at the screen- an unknown number, one that has noway called ahead. Jaxon raises an eyebrow and notices my hesitation." You gon na get that?" he asks. I swallow hard." I've to. It might be about Hazel's condition." But as I reach for the phone, I catch sight of Jaxon's face; it's pale, his eyes going wide as though he has just seen a ghost. " Isabel" His voice breaks." I suppose you should answer it. Right now." And in that moment, my whole world was turned upside down formerly more.